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| It's ridiculous that I am losing sleep for this. But I've got stuff to say, finally. Yes, I love this woman, Feny. But.. I am ruining it. I mean, if it's destined not to work, then too bad, but I don't want to be the one responsible for ruining my relationship.. again.
People lie. Let's face it, people even lie to the ones they love; people cheat on the people they love for God's sake. How to get over it? I do not know the right way, or the best way, but I know one way to deal with this: Do not give people you love a chance to lie, give them no reason to lie to you. For a lot of things, people wouldn't lie, because for the most part poeple feel bad when they lie. What do people lie about? The things that's gonna make them worse off. They won't lie about things if there's absolutely nothing to lose.
Tell me the truth because you've nothing to lose.
I need a CAREER!!!! I need a JOB!!!! I need to start doing what I am created to do, destined to do. I need it! I want it desperately! I want it with passion! Becuase only then I can make sure you have nothing to lose. Because only then you're have all of me, or none of me; either way, you'll have nothing to lose.
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| Recently, a lot of things happened to me. Some are good, some are pretty bad. Just a few hours ago I would be surprised to see myself describing what happened as just "pretty bad", but really.. it is not as horrendous as I believed it to be. However, I did have every right to dramatize the situation in my mind, after all, it's.. one of a kind to me. One of the reason I am posting this on the web is that I want the girls I loved to know that even though there's no way for us to be lovers, but I do treasure the memory, and I'd be a friend who would remain true to you as long as you see me as a friend. And that I have forgiven everything.
Now is one of the most confusing period of my life. I had a big reality check and a real confidence buster. I didn't know what I wanted, I didn't even know who I want to be. I tried to be a jerk.. dude.. I am horrible at it. First of all I think too much, secondly.. I got emotionally involved before my targets did.. Fortunately, I didn't hurt anyone before I got myself confused as hell. Now it's pretty clear that I am destined to be a nice guy. People say nice guys finish last, and it's mostly true, but I guess that's a price I have to pay to be myself. So I am still capable of love.
The funniest thing, I have been a complete 花痴。This is purely for myself.. I will to be normal from here on. I can't afford to put all my attentions on people around, it's ridiculously not cool. I mean once in a while there has been meaningful glances back, but what for? For my ego? How about getting a job, starting a company, reading a book, learning some new skills for a confidence booster? Whatever happens should be on the Path.
Next, the importance of friends. First of all, guy friends are essential for my survival. I would still be confused if not for two of my best friends on the planet. But that's obvious, what I really want to talk about is the importance of female friends. I have been in a weird state of understanding in which I believed women are different from men, and they can be either girlfriend, lover, wife, mom, grandma, aunts, daughters or classmates.. I just realized they can be awesome friends! Just friends. Amy said to me once that she's more careful about choosing her friends than.. some other things. It suddenly makes sense to me now. A good female friend can be so much more awesome than.. iono.. aunts..lol jk. Anyways, just remember that.
Last thing, I know who I am, who I want to be, and I will have what I want. I should not lose myself again. I know what is truly important. I hope you do too.=)
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| Recently I recalled my childhood daydreams. I found out what I fancied myself to be, to be basically everything. And "everything" certainly includes being a good writer. I realized that I loved writing but I did not know why I loved writing. Suddenly it has appeared to be so apparent and obvious. I love writing for the same reason I love reading and for the same reason I do not indulge myself in endless streams writing or reading; I love writing because there is no better way to capture my feelings and ideas at the moment. I think better than I write. I do not write to write, I write to seize the vanishing. I am not nearly as good of a writer than I am a thinker. But my writings should not be hollow, no matter how bad they are. Writing.. luckily it is a skill that can be polished.
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